#I did everything I could think of but it was so miserable

[abbinurmel]

As someone who's been diagnosed also with this disorder only very recently in my late 30s, I too can attest this is not what normal PMS is for women. Pmdd is a very frequently undiagnosed and serious issue. I for the longest time just thought I was simply an unhinged person or that I'm just having regular PMS symptoms and I'm too sensitive about it. This is not a normal kind of behavior to have; being moody and irritated is not the same thing as constantly feeling like everyone would rather you dead or just unbelievably pissed or crying over everything. There's a clear difference between "uggggh, blah, it's Monday, grumble grumble, I'm tired and wish I could stay home with some tea, hate this, ugh your so annoying right now, sigh mumble grumble grumble... 😑"

and

"I suddenly wonder how it'd be best to kill myself/others and get away with it??...y'know, just for random amusement sake. What are all of the most efficient methods? Hmmmm. I mean I am not sad, not really, okay maybe, but y'know, I just am preparing for the probable inevitiability I am gonna do it someday in the future, we might not know why, but, y'know, we'll figure it out. This isn't a mental disorder symptom, relax, this is me just being numb and tired and "Practical". ...besides, does my boyfriend even love me?? Probably not. I bet everyone else despises me too. I bet they always did. Every month I always piss somebody off, they're all probably so tired of my shit anyway. I'm such a ugly piece of shit and the world is dying and nothing is good and nobody ever loved me and nobody ever will and I'm just a dumbass surrounded by dumbasses and I'm going to decay into a sickly old woman in just three months and-"

STOP.

Kids please, get PROFESSIONAL HELP if this stuff happens to you all the time. Get on Zoloft, or exercise, or take birth control or seek talk therapy, or change your diets, whatever it is you and your gynecologist decide you need. It is not a joke. You need to practice discipline against this thing, and you will need the aid of being able to recognize there's medically something ACTUALLY BEHIND THIS AND IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Ever since I've been on the right correct dosage of sertraline meds/taking Primrose oil supplements to treat my symptoms, I've already noticed huge difference. It was also a huge difference when I finally managed to get birth control in my arm implant after I turned 30, compared to what I was like every single cycle during my teens and my early twenties. I was an absolute mess. I still get meltdowns from time to time but they are nowhere near the volcanic levels they used to reach, unless stressful unforseen circumstances or someone pushes my buttons in a severe way. It's now so different. NOW I can feel just weary and grumpy, uncomfortable, tired, and "meh". It's about the same as how you emotionally should feel like, while having a minor cold. No one gets a cold, and thinks they are worthless or definitely going to die, be it thru self harm or body dysfunctions they paranoid guess at.

You should just feel KINDA CRUMMY and TIRED. That is all. No worse feeling than dragging yer ass on a cold day out of bed early to a job you begrudgingly tolerate, not even despise... Any friends and loved ones around you (that already respect you) will tolerate that state you are in/be whom they always are. And if they somehow don't, your healthy brain has the dignity and logic to say "well too bad y'all, I am having a COLD, so, I am mucus-y and cranky and gross. It's not a big deal. I just ain't having sex going to work or socializing with family today, deal with it🤷. 🙄 sigh."

If you have PMDD, the above scenario isn't what happens. What happens is tears, cursing, fights, physical abuse or substance abuse or impulsive acts. It's days of neglecting hobbies, chores and self care, just choosing to without telling anyone that you're staying locked up in your bedroom in the dark for hours, and feeling days or weeks of miserable, thoroughly aimless bitterness and ennui. A daily exhausting slog ends up leading into straight up sickening amounts of constant self loathing, severe insomnia, and contempt for humanity and every inch of your body. You will not stop naval gazing or feeling like your life is going nowhere and it can't be ignored for even a minute.

And THE SECOND you bleed, it just... Stops. It's both a relief and actually distressing in itself how abrupt it is. The minute my period happens, I feel 10x less emotionally shitty and unfocused, even if my body is saying AGH, FUCK, SHIT, DAMNIT

Pre-menstrual depression is always depicted as like "He He! I had a box of icecream bars and cried while watching the Titanic!" But in reality, it's more like, "I'm standing the edge of an abyss. There is nothing good inside of me, I'm filled with rage and desperation."

It's crazy that being told how to deal with that is never a part of anyone's menstrual sex education.

[fear-is-truth]

AND THERE WILL BE NO TENDERNESS

warnings — MDNI 18+ ．rough sex．dysfunctional relationship． nam-gyu being an awkward asshole author’s note — was kinda drunk when i drafted this, so… this may not be my best work

how had my life come to this?

you’d asked yourself a hundred times how your life had spiraled into a game of death over unpaid debts, but this? this was a new low.

NAM-GYU never bothered to hide his disdain for you—cutting you off mid-sentence, shoving past you without apology, and calling you every name under the sun whenever you so much as looked at him wrong. you’d stopped wondering what his problem was long ago. eventually, you just chalked it up to him being a miserable bastard who needed someone to take it out on.

for whatever reason, that someone was always you.

then thanos started flirting with you—it didn’t mean anything—just a brief distraction in a hellhole where people were mercilessly killed over childhood games, but apparently, it was enough to push nam-gyu’s irritation to a whole new level. he couldn’t stand you before, but now it seemed like everything you did irked him even more.

and yet, here you were, shoved into a bathroom stall with the same man who’d sworn he hated you, his body pinning yours against the door. you’d lost count of how many times he’d made you come, but that didn’t really matter.

you hated him too. no, scratch that—you still hated him. maybe not with the same fervour as before, but you sure as hell didn’t like him now. not even a little.

“thought you liked when he gave you attention,” nam-gyu sneered, breath hot against the shell of your ear. “was it fun? letting him look at you like that?” his words were punctuated with a sharp thrust, forcing a strangled gasp from your lips.

“what the hell are you talking about?” you hissed, trying to crane your head over your neck to shoot a glare at him, but nam-gyu’s hand was already gripping your jaw, tilting your head back until it rested against his shoulder.

“open,” you obeyed without thinking, lips parting to allow him to slip two digits into your mouth. the cool press of his ring grazed your lips, and you gagged slightly when his fingers hooked deeper, pressing down on your tongue as his pelvis ground into you with bruising force.

“you just don’t get it, do you?” the words poured out in a disjointed rush. “all this time, i’m right there, and you let him—” his voice broke off in a frustrated growl, and he shoved you harder against the door, hips snapping forward and sheathing himself to the hilt. you moaned around his fingers, and he cursed under his breath when he felt you clench around him.

“you’re mine now. got it?”

you nodded as best you could, his fingers still in your mouth making it impossible to respond properly. that must have been enough because nam-gyu lowered his head, trailing deceptively gentle kisses along your shoulder.

“good. ‘cause i fucking–” his teeth sank into your flesh, hard. the sharp pain startled you, and your teeth bit down reflexively, breaking skin. the metallic tang of blood coated your tongue, but if he noticed, he gave no indication.

“—hated seeing you look at someone else like that,”

he slammed you flat against the door, grasping your hips with bruising force as he rutted into you. the door hinges creaked under the onslaught, his movements relentless and animalistic, chasing his release with single-minded intensity. curse words spilled from his lips, gradually breaking down into incoherent groans as his pace quickened, each thrust sloppier than the last.

in a final, shuddering motion, he came hard, his arms wrapped around you tightly, crushing you to his chest as he trembled against you.

whimpering.

he stayed like that for a while, his breath coming in ragged bursts, the heat of it fanning across the back of your neck. slowly, nam-gyu pulled his bloodied fingers from your mouth, the faint tang of copper lingering on your tongue. warm lips traced soft kisses along your shoulder, the earlier aggression melting into something that could almost be described as…tender.

you stiffened.

the intimacy of it was almost worse than the roughness. worse than the fact that this had happened at all.

without thinking, you shoved him off.

nam-gyu let out a grunt as he stumbled back, catching himself on the wall. he stared at you for a second, then just rolled his eyes and started pulling on his clothes. neither of you said anything. the silence stretched on, broken only by the rustle of fabric.

“are you voting ‘yes’ tonight?”

you paused at his question, wiping at a smudge of blood near your mouth. your life was already a disaster—this situation was a perfect example.

“i’m here, aren’t i?”

his lips twitched into a faint smirk, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes. you rolled your eyes and pushed past him, leaving the stall without another word.

 fear-is-truth 2025 — all rights reserved. do not modify, repost, translate, or plagiarise my content.

[icequeenliafics]

Catch Up To You

Context: Post Hidden Inventory, Suguru has a heart to heart with the wall separating his and Satoru's room.

It was night, it was dark, and Suguru wondered how this could have happened.

Satoru and him were both here, at Jujutsu Tech, at the same time, and yet he laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling; alone.

They didn't talk. Not really.

“... Have you lost weight?”

Satoru had tried, his voice light and unfittingly casual, a grin tugging at his lips as always, but he had tried to reach out to Suguru.

And Suguru knew that, able to recognize the silent plea inside his friend’s eyes.

‘Talk to me. Talk to me.’

But he couldn’t find it in himself.

“It’s just heat stress. I’ll be fine.”

He was shutting Satoru out, because he didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know how to take the hand that was held out to him.

Because what really was his problem?

Suguru didn’t know. At least he didn’t know how to put it into words.

So what was he supposed to tell his friend? What right did he have to trouble Satoru with that big nothing inside his chest?

The boy had his hands full already, training day and night to become stronger. So that nothing like this would ever happen again. So that next time, he would be strong enough, fast enough, just enough.

Suguru couldn’t keep up with him, but he refused to slow him down.

Satoru would become stronger. The strongest. And Suguru would get over himself. Somehow.

And then everything could be as it had been before. Before Fushiguro. Before Amanai.

They would get over it and be okay again.

Suguru knew it was a lie. He did not know if he would ever be okay again. Not in a world like this. In a society this rotten.

But he had to pretend.

Running a hand over his face for the umpteenth time that night, Suguru rolled onto his side, a tormented sigh escaping him.

He was facing the wall. He couldn’t sleep. It was three in the morning and he couldn’t sleep. Not today. Not yesterday. Not the day before that.

He was stuck. His thoughts ran wild while at the same time, he was thinking nothing at all. He felt restless, but he couldn’t move. He wanted to scream, but he didn’t have the energy to utter a single word.

There was fire inside him, enough to burn a town to the ground, but Suguru just laid there, silent, drained, stuck .

He pressed the flat of his hand against the wall, feeling how cold it was. Suguru stared at it, seeing nothing, of course. He stretched his fingers until every part of his hand touched cool, solid stone. Reaching nothing.

Because there was just a wall, a thin border of smooth stone that separated him from Satoru.

“Yes, I have lost weight”, he whispered - his voice raspy from lack of use - because he knew his best friend was right there on the other side, their beds separated by only this thin layer of concrete.

“I can’t bring myself to eat”, he whispered, running his thumb over hard stone, imagining it was Satoru’s soft skin. “I barely feel hungry anymore. Everything seems to taste like a curse lately.”

Suguru felt his lungs tighten around the hollow inside his chest, his dry eyes prickling with tears that wouldn’t fall. He felt miserable.

“But I don’t know how to tell you any of that”, he rasped, fingers stilling against the cold stone. “Because you are so unaffected by it all. Because you’re stronger than me.”

He let his hand slide down, letting it fall onto the sheets. Now that he was talking about it to Satoru, he felt a small sense of relief. Eyes growing heavy, limps prickling sickly from sleep deprivation.

“Or maybe you’re just more oblivious than me”, Suguru whispered, his tongue heavy inside his mouth. “Either way … I don’t want you to lose your smile. Don’t want you to feel like I do.”

He was teetering on the edge of consciousness now, but he felt like he had to keep talking, to explain himself. Like Satoru could actually hear him. Like he could understand.

“So, I’ll get through this alone”, he mumbled, barely able to keep his eyes open. “Get my shit together … and then I’ll return to your side … and we’ll be okay … you’ll be the strongest … and I’ll follow behind.”

His fingertips graced the wall.

“I’ll catch up to you”, he said with the last remnants of consciousness  “Wait for me, Satoru.” His eyes fell shut. “Please…”

He slipped away and there was nothing. There was finally nothing.

+

Found this in one of my notebooks. There was supposed to be a second part where Suguru wakes up from Satoru having a nightmare about Toji cutting him up. So, they realize they're both struggling and don't have to go through it alone. Buuuut I've moved on.✨

[hyperfocusfox]

So many of these comments on this post did not pass the vibe check so I wanted to add:

I am 30 and trans. (Genderfluid leans masc heavily)

I only have vague memories of the first 27 years of my life because I was so absolutely fucking horribly miserable every day of my life that my brain literally forgot it. Everything was a misery I was simply surviving.

A huge amount of being that miserable was not knowing I was trans. No joke.

And the MAIN REASON I didn't know I was trans was because my parents made it very clear from when I was a young child that they hated trans people and considered them gross and wrong and a sin against god. Very much not a 'letting your child express themself and listening respectfully' sort of environment. So I never allowed myself to even consider it as a possibility until I was outside of my parents influence. Because it wouldn't have been safe. My brain wouldn't even let me think about it.

Well all things considered how can I be so sure it was the lack of trans support making me miserable and not something else? Glad you asked. Here are some fun facts about me as a kid/teen.

I remember when I was really little and my parents stopped letting me run around without a shit on outside. And I was so confused and upset. Because my brother and my dad got to play outside without a shirt. Why not me? I didn't understand and was annoyed.

I always tried to act like one of the guys at school: climbing trees and roughhousing with people much more than anyone else. Tbh I was a bit too violent because I clearly didn't fit in and was overcompensating.

I used to be fascinated by the one or two trans kids at my school. I would watch them anytime they were around me and emotionally I ached. And I could never figure out why. And then I would have to pretend I hated them because my parents taught me I had to.

I used to watch YouTube videos of people who had top surgery and their experience with it. I would watch late at night when no one was awake and be captivated for hours. And then I would look up pictures of what people looked like after top surgery. And at that time it was much harder to find resources or images for. So I would look for hours. And then I would feel so upset afterwards and not know why. And I would pretend I didn't watch/see any of it because I felt so hurt and confused by my fascination with a topic that was supposed to be taboo.

Sometimes I would be spending time with adults and someone would share news that someone we knew had breast cancer or endometriosis. And I would feel JEALOUS. I would feel a deep jealousy. I would consider them lucky, while other people would mourn and cry over the need for necessary surgery such as mastectomies or hysterectomies. I would wish that were me. And then I would feel like a horrible awful shit person for thinking that. Because what the fuck right?

Do you want to know what it took to make me realize I was trans?

I had just disconnected from my parents and an abusive ex. It was the first time in my life I ever felt safe. The first time I was ever in a position to not be judged in 27 years of living.

And my trans friend was talking to their drunk coworker about them being nonbinary. And the drunk guy turned to me unceremoniously and said 'are you nonbinary too? Is that you as well?'

And I was literally stunned because no one had literally EVERY IN MY LIFE asked me about my gender before. And I gave the most awkward delayed stuttering reply of 'n-no. I'm a female.' It was not fucking convincing AT ALL to anyone present. Except for maybe the drunk guy who forgot he even asked the question by the time I replied. And I literally couldn't stop thinking about it. I thought about that until I literally realized I was trans.

That's it. That's all it took. Was me being in a nonjudgmental environment and for one single person to ask me my gender.

Having any freedom to explore my gender as a kid in a safe way with any amount of support from my family would have been fucking LIFE CHANGING. All the nonsurgical care approaches mentioned above would have been LIFE CHANGING for me as a child.

I still would have fumbled around for a bit trying to figure out what exactly was the right label. (Which I did as an adult anyways while feeling incredibly self conscious lol) But I would have come to the exact same conclusion years sooner with just any amount of support. And honestly it would have been less likely I made any permanent changes I regretted.

Being a full adult who had already gone through a puberty that didn't work for me made everything so much harder. All my decisions felt more pressured and more hectic because I was so desperate to lessen my dysphoria. My body was so mentally distressing to me that even while being very careful to make my decisions with the help of my therapist and my doctor it was still hard to tell what I was doing because it was what I wanted and what I was doing to just try anything to try to fix the dysphoria. (It worked out I'm good and happy with everything I decided to do.)

If I was transitioning as a kid I could have just paused puberty with blockers and then taken the time I needed to figure things out in a social setting without as much stress and crushing dysphoria from my physical body and being worried I needed to do everything right away or it was too late.

Gender affirming care is life changing care for trans people, especially kids. At all levels. The social support, the puberty blockers, the hormones, and even the surgeries. It saves lives. It keeps kids alive. We can skip whole arcs of trauma for these kids by just listening to them and respecting them and letting them figure it out. Please please please protect trans kids and their healthcare.

is it okay for a minor to go through and consent to life changing surgeries?

especially when they cannot drive, vote, get a tattoo, you think a minor has the ability to think through such a decision?

[eloquentsisyphianturmoil]

Maedhros built up a high pain resistance from Angband; particularly to the burning sensation. Considering how low he thinks of himself, it’s likely he expected the Silmaril to burn him. He didn’t think he was redemptive, he thought I can take it.

Part of why Maedhros acts so viciously is because that’s how life treated him. I can take it if my brothers die. I can take it if I’m damned for eternity. I can take it if everybody thinks I’m a monster.

He’s proud, and he’s suffering. He won’t back down, he will succeed or be martyred.

[illogicalghost]

.

[vancalox]

finished rogue trader. so mad about it i had to take a nap and then start a whole new playthru again to cope <3

[sysig]

Let me chew you out a little, since we have a couple minutes (Patreon)

[Panel 1] Prismo: *mumble* *mumble*

[Panel 2] Prismo: *mumble*

[Panel 3] Simon: Hmph. “Just because it’s in your head-”

[Panel 4] Simon: “-Doesn’t mean it’s yours,” huh?

[Panel 5] Simon: Give me all the responsibility with none of the privileges?

[Panel 6] Simon: And then you get mad at me for trying to pick up your slack? Prismo: Hey...

[Panel 7] Simon: Clearly you already expect that much from me!

[Panel 8] Prismo: Hey, hey! I did the best with what I had! I didn’t expect any of this!

[Panel 9] Simon: And yet you didn’t even consider telling me, so we could’ve avoided this?

[Panel 10] Prismo: It’s not like I could’ve just- taken it out! I was locked out!

[Panel 11] Simon: You could’ve done something!

[Panel 12] Simon: Instead you let my life spiral around this thing, kept me tethered to Ice King’s Madness-

[Panel 13] Prismo: Fionna and Cake are real thou- Simon: NOW you tell me! After I find out for myself!

[seventh-district]

sighs and collapses and disintegrates into the wind

[itsalwaysdark]

bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏

[gxlden-angels]

Hello! I apologize if this is a nosy question, but what is the silly feelings wheel app you were talking about in a previous post? My therapist and I have been working on identifying feelings but I still very much rely on a list of feeling words to have any idea what I’m feeling, so it could be a helpful resource. No worries if you don’t want to share, just thought I would ask :)

It's called How We Feel! I'm not sure if it's available on all devices yet, but it's on ios and the google play store for sure.

I've been using it for about a year. It's more of a chart than a wheel but people usually recognize the wheel better so that's what I call it. When you first start it has a 10-part tutorial about emotional acceptance and regulation, then it has suggestions for each category of emotion. You can access both at any time tho after those first 10 days.

It has a share option so you can have friends, which has been great for me cause it prompts me to check on friends and them to do the same for me. It allows you to just respond with a little emoji in like a "I'm here for you" little notification to your friend, or you can reach out to your friend on your own. Its really helped me cause I'm bad at reaching out when I need support so to me and I'm bad about taking on other's problems even when I can't handle it so being able to send a little emoji instead to make sure my friends know I'm there if they need me and them doing the same has been great

[vonkarma2]

just had a brief moment of missing taz balance and wanting to rip off its tone pacing and aesthetics its like 2019 all over again..

[arolesbianism]

Every now and then I get haunted by my past as a dr fan because someone mentions it or smth and lemme tell you the worst case scenario is if they bring up v3 in an even slightly positive light because nothing will make me start giving a shit abt dr again except for my burning hatred of that damn game, I just spent like 30 minutes ranting to myself about how much of a nothing character Kokichi is in the bathroom after showering just to vent it out because if I don't rant abt v3 every now and then I'll explode and kill someone

[medicinemane]

And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"

I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse

And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa

And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house

I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished

...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)

And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff

There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government

No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)

Like have some accountability there and in every situation

Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free

If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off

I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)

But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced

Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around

I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)

...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change

(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)

(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)

[animutate]

sometimes i think about how my face could be on some pedophiles computer. but im not allowed to talk about it because last time i did is when i got taken by cps.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...